Thoughts of a Sprite

Thursday, August 05, 2004

A ton on my mind... a ton to read...

So much to do, so little time! I need to study... I would love to have the time to sit down and write... I have so much to say to my blog, I need to clean house, my office (at home) is a disaster...

I have decided a couple of things:
1. I am going to rent Hidalgo on the way home and watch it tonight, and worry about everything else tomorrow.
2. I am going to take the time to write in my journal tonight... I don't care if it is the crappiest poem ever, I am going to put some thoughts on paper.

I am not sure what to do about something. I have decided to get an apartment with my cousin, best friend, like-a-brother, Larry.... As I mentioned before, I don't think my living arrangements are conducive to healing, but this is another topic. I don't want to hurt my mother, but I am twenty four, I moved in with mom 3.5 years ago to get my sh*t together. I had just come out of the relationship with "he who shall never be named" and lost my (would be) son

interrupted thought... Rant/
(his son who I had raised for 2.5 years, who called me momma, that pain is just as horrible as my biological child being still born, because I held him when he was sick, loved him always, taught him how to talk, walk and tie his shoes, how to throw a ball, and being of no actual relation, I never see him... I will always wonder... And pray that he is okay... okay I have issues with that back to what I lost...) end rant/

my man, my home, my dog, my cat, our friends, my job (I had just injured my knee and have had three subsequent surgeries) and so on. I was at rock bottom. I needed to start over. Now for some very personal reasons, that I don't want to get into, I had not lived with my mother since I was 7... so I moved in with her (where I pay my own way) and we hit it off great. We were given a second chance at happy. Only I don't seem to make her happy. Anyways, I know that she is very happy to have me home, she is kind of clingy, which is okay. She doesn't boss me, as I am not a child, but she has her grip so tight her knuckles are white. You can't go back, I am never going to be seven again. Even now that I am home she still dwells on the past, and every time she picks up that can, or that bottle, I am reminded of it, the past I am trying to get over, there are corners of my life that I don't even allude to in my poetry. That is how deep it goes...

Point to all of this, and I swear there is one... It has bothered me for a long time, I mentioned to her a year ago that I was thinking of moving out when I graduated with my AA and moving to the town where I will be attending school with Larry. She flipped, promised to do better and then immediately forgot her promise. Then she tells me that she is depending on the money that I pay her, to get by. How can I live with myself, if this is true, and I think it is now that she changed jobs, she makes less... I am not giving her an ultimatum, I am moving out, but how do I tell her, what do I say. I am ready to stand on my own two feet again. I need to move on with my life. There is nothing but broken memories in the town that I live in. I am not running away, I am moving on! You put one foot in front of the other, and the next step will get you where you are goingb, right?

Am I a miserable daughter, abandoning her mother? Or is that mother always going to make me feel like this for trying out my wings? Is it ever going to be the right time? I hate to say it, but if it is this bad when I live with her, I hate to think what it will be when I leave.

I have sooooo much more going through me right now. I know that she lies to me. Stupid little things. Doesn't she realize that I have to love her, to have forgiven and come back? She doesn't need to lie, to make me like her better, or to cover for coming home early, I know she has a problem, and she knows I know... Don't lie to me. Me above all people she should be honest with! You have no idea how much this erks me. I have been there for her thick and thin, but then she will say the most bold faced lie, to my face.

I.E (this means example)... She told me that she went to the doctor, (on a day I knew she was at work, but hey okay, she could have had an apt. During the day) and that he found pre cancers on her female workings, and that he removed them. She didn't tell me for a week, but instead used that as an excuse to go on a week long binge (a week later.) and then said she had to get a historectomy in September... I mentioned it to her last week, and she said oh I probably won't get it done... (if this was cancer would you play games, fact being I knew she wasn't having it, because she never went to the doctor, I asked her who her doctor was and she said mine, funny, he doesn't know my mother) why make up these elaborate stories?

Now she has completely stopped doing all house work... She sweeps the kitchen everynow and then... I come home and she is either two sheets to the wind, or passed out in her chair. Great huh? But what do you do? This is my mother, and like it or not she has problems... I can deal with problems, but I can't deal with being lied to. She lies to everyone so why should I feel privlidged?

Okay... Those are just a few of the things going on in my head... in my home... And who said blondes couldn't be deep. I really don't know what to do. I feel almost guilty for wanting to try to start my life.

Thanks for reading, It helped just to get it down...

shes_a_sprite @ 1:23 PM.

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